Below are questions from people who are testing in the real world.

If you have a dilemma or a question that requires open and honest communication, e-mail Karen today!

Dear Karen,

I recently broke off an engagement with someone I thought was the one. I just recently found out why he was acting so strange, he was cheating on me and got some girl pregnant. I feel horrible, I gave this man my heart, body, and soul! Are there any men out there who respect marriage and relationships? Should I confront him or just move on?

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

It's not absolute but I do believe in this case it is better to confront him, either towards that God-awful, overused term "closure" or for clarification. Who knows? You may have incorrect information (doubtful). Of course, the way you do it is important. If he is violent in any way, do not confront him.  Otherwise, he should have to "face the music" so to speak. It'll help you too.  Consult the “Six Principles of Intelligent Truth-Telling.”  before proceeding.

As for whether there are men who respect marriage and relationships, of course there are. But until you get over this one, you won't see them.

Warm wishes and take it slow.  

                                                              

Dear Karen,

I am about to turn 30 next month. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband and baby boy. I quit my job to care for the baby.   Most of my friends are wonderful. Only two friends are still single - and bitter about it. They act like my life is a drag and make comments about me being tied down. They know I always wanted a family and I do not feel this way at all. In my heart I know they want what I have. They have a difficult time dating. As childish as it is, they boost themselves by putting me down. I have always kept mum to avoid hurt their feelings, but I've had enough. What should I do? 

--Content with Motherhood

Dear CwM,

This is an excellent example of a situation where you need Gutspah!  --and say what's on your mind. The reason?  It reduces or diminishes the friendship if you have a growing resentment that is unresolved. You will distance yourself from the relationship and the good things, if you don't say what you need to say and clear the air. I'm assuming you want to keep these folks as friends, so the WAY you say it is important.   Here's a suggestion but you can put it in your own words: "I know you're saying this because you are concerned about me, but I don't feel tied down.  I made this commitment by choice and I'm enjoying every minute of it.   It's ok if you are different from me about this but don't assume I feel the same way as you."  Then I'd see how she (they) react.   It is only important to use stronger language if they persist and have not really heard you.  A stronger phrase only if necessary, might be:  "That might be true for you, but it isn't true for me and I'm not comfortable with that assumption."      

I know it's really pointless to be shy, but a lot of times I fell myself getting all shy over practically nothing!  How do I become more like myself in social settings?

-----Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Who says it's pointless to be shy? Can you imagine what a terrible world it would be if EVERYONE were an extrovert? First thing, is to recognize that there is no sin in being quiet when you have nothing to say. That could be part of who you are too!  It's great to embrace that.   If you feel like you do not act like your "normal" self (whatever that may mean to you) in social settings because you are too nervous, the first thing is not to compare yourself to anyone else and know you're absolutely good enough the way you are. (see GUTSPAH-ism #1) Then when you have something to say, it'll come out naturally (with a little more practice!)  Keep on practicing! 

                                                         

Dear Karen,

College Question!  Please answer im stressing out here!! Well i just moved into my dorm and i have three new roommates!! I dont know them i have just seen them around campus, But when i met them they seem cool. But they had rules already like no smoking (which i can respect) but they were like we dont want to hear gospel music on sunday morning...weird. Anyways i didnt come to my room till late so i basically hung out with one of my friends and unpacked all night, so i didnt get to hang out with them to see their personalities.  To tell you the truth i didnt want to. What Im worried about is that i dont want to be in the same situation i was in last year, When one of my roommates didnt like me because i was happy all the time. She spread rumors about me and tried to turn the whole house against me. So here i am worried that they dont like me for some strange reason. How can i stop caring and stressing about what my new roommates think and just go along with my life?

----College confusion  

Dear CC,

Problems, misunderstandings and immediate dislikes and judgements happen more often when things are left unsaid. You need to initiate more communication in a non-threatening way, rather than assuming that you will just get along without a little work! Suggest that JUST roommates have dinner together ASAP, and also suggest that everyone get to know each other and their likes and dislikes so you can establish some ground rules for which everyone can take personal responsibility. Then you'll establish an atmosphere of OPEN COMMUNICATION in your dorm.  You might become so good at this, that other students will be coming to you for advice! 

                                                           

Dear Karen, 

I know someone who will tell everyone when she's mad at someone.. except the person she's angry at! She'll go on and on about the person's "ugly" boyfriend, their lack of intelligence, etc. etc.. anything negative she can think of.   What do you think of her behavior? 

 ----Anonymous 

Dear Anonymous,

People who "triangulate" are not comfortable with open and direct communication. Sometimes they like to pit people against each other so they can be on top. If they are happy complaining about others, they are not interested in resolving the problem or taking responsibility for what they really think.  They can always deny it when confronted.  With such people, you should always wonder what they're saying about you!   

I'd also like to know more directly, why you are asking?   Are you in an interesting way, doing the same thing?  (Don't worry, a LOT of people do this without knowing it.  We're always trying to get better at direct communication)  What is particularly important to you about this? Is your intent to let her know how you feel about it?  If so, you might be able to model effective communication by telling her that you think it would be more effective if she took here concerns to the person about whom she has them. 

It's never too late to learn and practice this skill!   

                                                          

Dear Karen,

I'm having some minor money problems and the only person I can turn to--to lend me some money is my boyfriend of about 9 months. I'm a pretty self-suffecient lady and I've never looked to any boyfriend for financial support but at this point in time I really have no choice. The only question now is how can I ask? Am I right to ask or expect him to lend me money? Am I going to put the relationship in some kind of jeopardy. Advice is appreciated please.

----strapped for cash

Dear SfC,

You are asking general questions about a very specific situation. No one can tell you how this particular person will respond.  Expecting is a mistake. You ask, and the other person always has the right to say NO. So let's say he did say NO, then what would you do? Can you do that thing first?   If after exhausting your resources, you would still like to ask him, let him know of your discomfort in asking and be very specific in your request.  It is true that some relationships can be jeopardized by requests to borrow money, but it very much depends on the nature of the relationship.  It takes courage, no doubt, but that's what GUTSPAH is all about! 

Also, be prepared to accept the consequences before you ask.  Please send a follow up. I'll be interested to know how it goes   -and remember, asking isn’t expecting.  "No" must always be an acceptable answer. 

                                                        
Dear Karen,

I am soooo scared to ask him "what are we?" why? Why can't I ask that and it's soooo friggin simple! lol.     I get so shy and tongue tied i can never say what I want  to say without it coming out wrong, and then there's a whole process because I have to clarify.    I need to grow a spine!     Do you know how to grow one?

--Help   

Dear Help,

I do, actually!    As usual, one needs lots more information as I don't like giving pat answers. I wonder if you always feel this way or only with guys you like a lot? Have you ever felt comfortable enough with someone to say what's on your mind and be yourself? The goal is to get to that point, no matter who you're with --and accept that sometimes they'll like you and sometimes they won't.  This of course, is not to say that you don't communicate differently with different people.

The other question is, "what are we?" is a little vague!  Think more about WHAT you really want to know and say it as simply and as precisely as you can. Tell the truth to yourself first.   Then you’ll have a better idea of what you want to know from him. 

                                                             

 Dear Karen,

I sent the Administrator in my office an e-mail, asking a question concerning parking passes. She ignored it. She has been sending out email during the day so I figure that she should have come acoss my email. Would you email her again or leave it alone. I feel that she should have the decency to answer the email or refer me to someone who can.

Matilda 

Dear Matilda,

I wouldn't be too quick to make assumptions or take it personally. What people are so often afraid to do, is check it out. If you don't hear from her in another day, I would send a polite e-mail asking if perhaps she missed your first one.  For all you know, she is in the process of checking it out.  If she continues to ignore you, that is another question with other issues to address. Always look at the simplest answer first and err on the side of direct communication.

                                                               

Dear Karen,

What is the difference between conviction and prejudice?

Jus’ Wondering

Dear J’W,

There is a world of difference!  Just as "discriminating" has gotten a bad rap, so has "conviction." One of my favorite phrases, "Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out." We are making discriminating choices every day. What in heavens name is wrong with having convictions? Prejudice is so broadly drawn that new information cannot get in, but if your convictions are to have no conviction about anything, then you are gravely in danger of having your brains fall out.  Interestingly, those who claim not to have convictions, are often the one that tend to become the “thought police” for others. 

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